04 February 2018

Maman a quitté ce bas monde

My mother, née Mary Allen Miller in Rock Hill, South Carolina, in February 1930, passed away at 7:10 p.m. on Feb. 3, 2018 here in Morehead City, N.C., where she had lived since 1936. She was 15 days shy of her 88th birthday. She was at home when she passed, and my sister and I, along with our closest cousin and one of our closest friends, were here in MA's apartment with her when she drew her last breath on Earth. She had had a string of visitors over the course of the day.

Actually, we "young people" were preparing to eat dinner, and we were probably making a good amount of noise. My sister was the one who noticed that MA's labored breathing had suddenly changed. MA had been breathing that way for at least 24 hours and seemed to be unconscious. MA's labored breathing simply stopped. It was very peaceful. I'll never know if she was aware of the fact that I had arrived to see her off, but I hope she was. If so, it took her about 24 hours to let go and leave ce bas monde behind after I got here Friday evening. My sister and I both had been telling her the evening and night before that she should let go if she could. We were both here so MA didn't need to wait any more.

When she stopped breathing yesterday, for me it was a relief. The suffering was over. My grief is just starting. The medical consensus was that she would not recover from the cancer that had metastasized into her lungs and bones after a mammogram in 2015 revealed that she had breast cancer. I happened to be here and with her at the doctor's office when that diagnosis was made. We were both in shock that day.

Now the cancer had spread to her bones and lungs, and she had been experiencing severe pain sporadically since at least last October, the last time I was here in North Carolina. In January, the pain became constant, and it seems she knew well before the doctors or her children and friends knew that her time had come. MA's death mask reminded me of carved stone statues I often see in the old churches of the Loire Valley — tortured but serene à la fois.

So there's the news. What else can I say? Just that I loved her and will miss her more than words can express.

53 comments:

  1. … more than words can express. That's how I feel.

    I am so sorry and so sad for your loss, but, as you said she's had a good life. I was fortunate to have met her several years ago in California, and I remember her as a very sweet lady. Now, may she rest in peace.

    Later in life, you'll feel so happy you were with her in these critical moments and bringing her some comfort. Time is a great healer.

    Courage et amitiés.

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  2. en, I'm so sorry to hear your mother has passed away! My heartfelt condolences to you, your sister and everyone who loved her. I know, nearly 88 is a respectable age, but still ... in a way it's always too early. I'm so glad you could be there with her in time and I'm sure she knew (we had a similar experience when my mother died, only a couple of hours after my eldest brother had arrived, did she pass away). I'd like to wish you, in Dutch: Heel veel sterkte which translates as Wishing you and yours strength in these dificult times!

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  3. I'm glad you made it in time. I know you were worried about that.

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  4. Your mama loved you so much, Ken. I could see that when we were with her. I was with my dad when he took his last breath and wish I could have been with my mother- it is like a reverse birth to see a heart quit beating and then comes complete peace. Bon courage for your next days of loss, but I hope you will celebrate Mary Allen's good life and her stories.

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    1. Mon Ken... Je suis en train de pleurer... C'est si dur quand nos parents nous quittent...C'est mon Evelyn qui m'a fait part du décès de ta Maman... J'ai eu le privilège de la rencontrer, elle était adorable 💟 Les petites plaques décoratives qu'elle m'avait gentiment offertes sont toujours là... Je suis de tout coeur avec ta Famille et toi... Je vais faire une prière pour vous.... Je t'embrasse bien fort 🌹🌹🌹

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  5. Ken

    It is with sadness that I read about the loss of your Ma.
    May you find comfort in knowing that caring thoughts and deepest and heartfelt sympathy are with you and your family
    When the hurt is hard to bear in your quiet moments may your love for her and your fond memories of her be your comfort.

    Bon Courage

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  6. After your post yesterday you and yours were constantly I my thoughts, and will be during these next days. I wish you peace and comfort as you and your family mourn her. May she Rest In Peace .

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  7. I am so sorry to read of your mother's passing...I'm glad you made it to NC and were able to be with her....It's never easy to lose a parent....peaceful at the end and free from pain is a blessing

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  8. Dear Ken,
    We’re very sorry to hear of your Mom’s passing. Please accept our deepest condolences.
    Thinking of you,
    Dean and Jean

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  9. My sincere sorrow for your loss. I am so glad you were able to be with her.

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  10. Glad you were there with her. Sorry for your loss. May you and your family live long and remember her with love

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  11. Deepest condolences Ken. I am so very sorry and I know how painful it is to lose one's mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  12. My condolences for your loss - the end of our parents' lives shocks us no matter what.

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  13. I am very sorry for your loss. You write beautifully about her -- this extends her life far far beyond her circle of friends and family. She must have been so proud of you!

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  14. My deepest sympathy to you and your family on the loss of your mother.

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  15. Ken, you, your mother, and your family have been in my thoughts. I am very glad that you were able to be with her as she peacefully let go of this sphere. She is still in your heart, and now is watching over you. May her memory be a blessing....

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  16. Ken, So very sorry for you and your family and the loss of your mother. But also very glad for you that you got there in time. It's so hard to lose a parent, under any circumstances.

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  17. I'm so glad you were all there with your mother, Ken. The nurses all told us, when we were sitting with each of our parents in their final hours, that they could hear us, and process what we were saying... I've held that thought with me. Betsy was here with me when our mom passed, just about 18 months ago, and we would both say that the relief is the natural first stage... and then the grieving will come, and it touches all of us in different ways. I'm so sorry that you don't have your comforts of home, Walt, and sweet little Tasha to help you through this right now, but I'm glad you're with your sister.
    Judy

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  18. Dear Ken, I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you were able to make it home in time. I agree with Judy that people are able to hear and process what is said near the end...I feel sure my father did. Giving you hugs and regards from Los Angeles.

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  19. Sending you our sympathy, Ken and our very best wishes as you face the challenges ahead. We are pleased that you made it before your Mum passed away. Losing a parent is always difficult, but hope that you have wonderful memories of your times together. Gaynor and Tim

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  20. Sending heartfelt sympathies to you and your family. I'm so happy for you that you arrived in time. All good wishes.

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  21. Very sorry for your loss. The sentiments here have been some comfort to me, and I hope for you and your sister too:

    Death Is Nothing At All

    By Henry Scott-Holland

    Death is nothing at all.
    It does not count.
    I have only slipped away into the next room.
    Nothing has happened.

    Everything remains exactly as it was.
    I am I, and you are you,
    and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
    Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

    Call me by the old familiar name.
    Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
    Put no difference into your tone.
    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
    Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
    Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
    Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.
    It is the same as it ever was.
    There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
    What is this death but a negligible accident?

    Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
    I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
    somewhere very near,
    just round the corner.

    All is well.
    Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
    One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
    How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!





    Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland

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  22. I am so sorry to hear about this, Ken. It was a blessing for you to be there when she passed. And, who knows, perhaps your mom was waiting for you to get there so she could say her last good bye, even if silently .... This can't be easy. You will need to grieve and treasure so many memories .... I'll be thinking of you and your family. My mom is 94 .... her day will come sooner rather than later...and we will never be really ready when that day is here. All my sympathies...

    DR

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  23. I am very sorry to hear your news. Although no doubt you were prepared as best you could have been, I am sure that doesn't make it easier.

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  24. Ken, we are so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Ma.
    Chris and Tony

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  25. So sorry to hear this. My own mother died at 88, and it affected me in ways I would never have expected. Wishing you and your family peace, and all my condolences.

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  26. Sincere condolences on your loss.

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  27. Sorry to hear about your Mom. Stay strong.

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  28. Ken, you don't know me, but I've been a reader of your blog for the past ten years, so I feel like a know you and Walt. I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your dear mother. I know you were a wonderful son who was very involved in your mother's life and always there when she needed you. I'm sure she knew you were there to say goodbye. Blessings to you and your family.

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  29. Ken, like Diane, I have been a reader of your blog for a long, long time. I didn't know your Mom, but I know the feeling of loss that comes when a parent dies. I had not realized your mother had cancer, so her death is also a shock. I know you have traveled to NC often to be with her, and she most assuredly knew of your love and devotion to her. Blessings to you and your sister, and extended family. Maggie

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  30. I'm not a regular commenter but am a regular reader. I want to send you my sincerest condolences

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  31. Oh Ken, I am sorry .. you have my heartfelt sympathy.
    My mom died this past year .. thankfully, I was newly arrived here and able to be with her .. it was a gentle going and I am thankful for that also. We are grown and gone from our childhood homes but even as an adult with my own children, it certainly makes the world a little different, when our Moms are gone.
    Sending you sympathy and love. Candice

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  32. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  33. Condolences, Ken. Our thoughts are with you. Jan & Dean from Perth.

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  34. Ken, you don't know me, but I have read your and Walt's blogs for a few years now...so sending you my condolences for your much treasured Ma. Anni.

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  35. Toute ma sympathie dans ces moments si difficiles...
    Bien cordialement.

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  36. Bon courage et toutes mes amitiés . Thierry

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  37. Ken, my sincere sympathy to you and your family. Rod Grose, Australia.

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  38. Ken, Doug and I send our warmest condolences to you and to Walt, too. I am glad that you and your sister and other loved ones were with your mother when she died. It helps a little to witness a peaceful passing, I think. Do keep your happiest memories close at hand in your thoughts -- they are the most comforting things when you feel the loss's pain. Betsy

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  39. I am very sorry for your loss, Ken. It's nice that you made it home in time to be with her.

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  40. Ginger and I send our love and condolences to you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss, but am glad you were able to be with her at the end.

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  41. I'm so glad you made it in time to be there for her passing and to say good-bye. A mother's love never dies, and she lives on in you. My condolences to you and your family. You are in my thoughts at this difficult time. Much love goes with you.

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  42. I have been reading your blog for quite a while and have always enjoyed reading of your visits with your mom. In my minds eye, she was a classic Southern Lady and I know her presence will be missed. Prayers for you and your family, Robbie from Louisiana.

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  43. I am very sorry about your loss. It's always hard to lose a mother no matter what age we are when it happens. I'm glad you were able to be there with her at the end.

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  44. my condolences to you and your family on the loss of your mother.

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  45. Sending love and my condolences to you and your family Ken. I am so glad you were home when your Mom passed on. Hugs and prayers--I'll be thinking of you.

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  46. So sorry that you have lost your mum. I'm sure she knew you were there and was waiting for you so that she could safely let go, knowing that her children were both there for her.

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  47. So sorry for your loss. Not only did you lose your mom, but also another link to the homeland, and strange as it may seem, that's a difficult realization as well. Wish you strength.

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  48. Just now catching up with you and Walt's blogs. Your Mother had a wonderful son who made it a point to visit regularly and, thankfully, you made it back in time at the end. I felt close to her when we both had broken our wrists at the same time and you wrote about her recovery. At that time, I don't recall that I saw we both shared the same name, as well. It was only a couple of nights ago, when I couldn't sleep, that I was remembering my Mother's death and I was shocked when I realized it had been 19 years ago. Time will heal the pain, trust me. But there are hardly any days that go by that something that is said, or something that has happened, reminds me of her. I am so sad for you and your family, but pleased that you will be there to share with the rest of your family your lives together.

    Mary in Oregon

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